Getting back together after an infidelity?
Getting back together after an infidelity?
Can it work?
I saw that working out successfully for many people.
An infidelity can be a one time thing and an occasion to realize how much you actually care for your real partner.
When you get back together, something must change.
If it doesn't, another infidelity might happen again.
What do you change? Your boundaries.
If you are a woman and your partner cheated on you, you need to fundamentally shift the way you invest yourself in the relationship.
How? Drop your level of expectations.
Right now you are in a situation which is out of balance.
You are still 100% exclusive while he obviously broke that rule. To bring back the balance, you need to take back part of what you invested in him so that you feel more secure and protected.
An infidelity is a warning sign. It says: "Look how vulnerable you are. He takes one side step and your life is destroyed".
This is what happens to millions of couples and individuals around the world. If you want to feel stronger and empowered, you need to be in a space where you are ready to deal with a cheating partner any time anywhere. In fact you need a solid strategy for such situation.
A part of you stays awake and alert. He must know that. He took one wrong step, now take something back from him: don't go into the "one on one" exclusive romantic dream. This is a wake up call.
What do you need to ad? Awareness. Have your eyes wide opened! You need to be ready any time anywhere.
How? Have a material base which does not depend on him: Your job, place where you live, belongings... All these must be yours and only yours. If he misbehaves and you want to break up, you need to be able to do that on the spot without delay and still keep your full material base. This means independence.
Your friends and social circle must be yours as well. Check on with people who would actually stay if he was not around. Focus on these friendships and let go of the connections which depend on his presence. Have some good male friends who care and value you as well.
Develop a healthy life style. Your body is your greatest asset. Take care of yourself. Eat healthy, exercise.
Stay attractive and active in a flirting way. Don't go into the comfortable and cozy relationship mood. He already proved you he can't give you that security.
What is left? romance, love, passion, fun, complicity.
What did change. Your power base: You rely now on yourself and you invest in him differently.
The balance of power is totally different here.
You need a mind set which gives you security with or without him. If he was cheating again, there must be minimal damage. You can't totally avoid emotional hurt but you can secure your material base and build your life in a way which is not dependent on him.
Suppose you start like that. What does it tell him? One wrong move and you are gone.
You see the difference? You've got the power no matter what.
How does it evolve on the long term? Suppose you get your own place. Don't give him the keys. It's your house, not his. Protect your personal space. Don't let him leave things behind. He is a guest when he comes to your house.
If this works out, he stays respectful and you notice he is genuinely in love with you, take small steps in his direction and see how it feels: "clear a draw for him or invest in a holiday together".
Be ready to step back any time. You see, the difference with this attitude is that you are the center of your life, not the couple. You rely on yourself first.
If this works out, and you feel you can trust him at 100%, then next moves will naturally follow. No need for paranoia, but it's okay to keep in the back of your mind the thought: "what if it happens again?", "what would I do?" and have a strategy ready for that.
If you think: "hey... He'll be my husband and will give me peace, security and anything I need... I'll take care of the children raise the family..." This makes you powerless and very vulnerable. If the small steps you take do work and you feel it is growing naturally, then sure, move forward. However, if you notice that the moment you invest yourself in him, you face an emotional struggle and do not get your needs met, then step back and get your full power back: that's your own independence and personal integrity.
I know it is tough to shift your "model" when you had this dream relationship vision. The truth is that you can end alone any time anywhere. If you know how to survive by yourself, this gives you an immense sense of power and security for your future.
More than 50% of marriages end within 7 years! What people call now a life time of commitment is in fact a very short "life time". Relationships are struggling to find new models which work. You tend to want it all: freedom, independence, security. As an individual and as a couple. The problem is that the couple's interest often does not match the individual interests. Individuals go for what they want first. This creates clashes and destroys relationship dreams.
It happens an immense lot today! Is this bad? It is simply evolution. What you can do is shift your mind set so that what you create actually matches today's modern behavior trends.
The marriage model is based on beliefs which are more than 2000 years old. Your modern mind set has evolved since then. You have new needs, values and desires. You can try to hold onto the traditional model or go with the flow and design your own, new and unique relationship equation.
You get lots of warnings. The one which just happened to you is one of those. You can of course go for marriage, family life and commitment but you need a real empowerment to make it work. The marriage contract and the church vows are by far not enough to secure the relationship.
I believe all options are open. You can choose your path. What I give you here is simply an open view so that you can decide for yourself. Don't "fall" in love. Be in love with your eyes wide open. Use your heart and your head.
Good luck and stay in touch