Commitment phobia?

Commitment phobia?

I've been dating my boyfriend for almost 2 1/2 years now. When we first started dating everything was wonderful. Around 2 or 3 weeks we had our first kiss, around 3 months we said that we loved each other, and around a year or so we both started using the word "we" in all of our discussions about the future.

It was pretty clear that both of us wanted to be married and have children and that we would more than likely marry each other.

Around the 2 year mark whenever I would start using "we" in our conversations he would freak out. Which was completely new to me. I asked him if he still wanted to get married and he said that he NEVER wanted to get married. And that marriage was for idiots.

Through this whole time of us dating his parents didn't have much of a relationship. They fought like crazy and I have to say that his mom was the one that would bring it on. To sum it all up, his mom is basically psycho. So to get to my question, I have now found out that my boyfriend believes that if we get married I will turn into his mother and pick fights and go psycho on him.

How can I ever get this out of his head or is this problem even fixable? And also, why did he lead me to believe that we would get married if he had no intentions of ever getting married? Please help!

----------------------------

Hi,

Sorry to hear about this "change" of direction in his mind. I can imagine it is tough and wakes up these questions in you.

I'll be direct, okay?

He gave it a go and genuinely tried to believe in it. Now, true... He sees an example with his family where it does not work and it freaks him out. Easy to understand.

What he is saying is: "If I was in a married situation, I don't have a clue of how I would solve these challenges: fighting, arguing, power struggles, etc"

This goes beyond his own family experience. He perceives this in society and maybe with friends as well.

The present life expectancy of a marriage is 7 years in the US. This means that if you marry, you have 50% chances of being divorced within 7 years. It is not his family's isolated case.

Marriages are struggling to make it. Loving partners often end in endless energy consuming divorces, fighting for money, property and visitation rights. That's what he sees. You hear about it everywhere, in the news, pop stars, divorce lawyers.

That's what you partner sees. He thinks it will happen to him if he tries.

What to do then? I don't think you will get it out of his head. Some couples still do marry and are happy. It takes more power, skills and awareness.

I know I am killing the "romantic dream" by saying these things, but it is better to fully open your eyes now, listen to the warning signs and then get the extra resources you need to make it work.

These things I am saying, you could talk about it with him. Understand where he stands. What he feels is not just a stupid idea in his mind. It is real. It is a warning. It is healthy to listen to it.

Once you are aware of it, it gives you more tools to prepare the ground for a solid relationship. If he does not believe in marriage though, it will be tough to convince him.

What to do? You can work on it together. Go you own way and find someone who will go for it. Or you can develop a new vision for your relationship based on a new type of commitment (there are a few new relationship models appearing emerging in society)

Believe, it is better to wake up now. In a way you are lucky that he goes through thsi awareness crisis now rather than in 7 years when you are married with 2 children.

I know it is tough on you but does this make sense?

Good luck and stay in touch

vitalcoach

PS: feel free to contact me directly if you need extra feed back or ideas on that